Big Tits Zombie 3D (2010) aka The Big Tits Dragon

With a title like that, this has to be good, right? It even starts with a Sergio Leone quote, and some sword + chainsaw = dead zombies action (with a blatant Versus homage/ripoff!). Sadly though, the zombie makeup looks like shit (just smear that gray crap on 'em! brilliant!), and you get a ton of awful CG blood aka fake as fuck computer generated crap.

Notice the zombie is holding the chainsaw against his neck... uhm... yeah.

The lead actress, Sola Aoi, is a Japanese porn star so that's the kind of acting you can expect.

But on the plus side...

I'm sorry, what? Were we talking about something? Oh yeah, big tits. Why the fuck do the zombies have swords? One second they don't. Then they do (conveniently right when we get the chick with the sword). They even block and swing like they're not zombies at all. WTF?

So that makes no sense. And the ridiculously cheap effects just keep getting worse.

But what about dem tits!!!! You have to sit through a ton of boring crap to get to the good stuff. The real stars don't make their first appearance until 23 minutes into the movie!

Some have complained they're not that big. Not that I (or anyone else) should defend this movie, but the title is Big Tits Zombie, not Big Boobs Zombie (of course, they fucked up the translation since the zombies don't actually have the big tits... way to go guys!).

And the other girl that gets naked in the cat fight is just ok looking.

So what's the plot? The bimbos stumble on a secret door in their strip club where they find a hidden room and the Necronomicon. Some sushi comes back to life, money appears, and suddenly, there are zombies all over.

Unfortunately, it's all unbelievably boring. Then you get punching sounds when the girls are not even anywhere near actually hitting a zombie, and of course, every punch sound is the same horrible one so they're all absolutely horrible.

See the zombie girl in blue on the far left? The hottie with the Necronomicon realizes she can control the undead so she has them strike a pose (yeah, I'm serious). They all move and stop, but that blue zombie girl moves, stops, then moves again after everyone else has stopped! An obvious fuck up, but they left it in! When there's shit like that, you know they don't care. Then there's this:

She has a vagina flamethrower, because she got bit by a zombie. Yeaahhhhh.... uhm, no thanks. They don't kill her either. One second she shoots fire. Then she's ok, just still turning into a zombie. Later on, some random zombie girl turns into a tentacle monster with the worst FX you've ever seen.

They even left in the strings! Look at this shit:

You couldn't make them more obvious! That is unless you did a close-up with the strings right in front of the camera, and guess what they did?

Genius. So yeah, this movie sucks. There is a completely gratuitous part where the two girls get their boobs covered in blood from killing one zombie.

Then magically in the next scene, they only have a tiny bit of blood on them.

I guess they took a shower? They definitely should've shown that... strictly for, you know, continuity purposes. What the fuck is up with the blue lighting? Is this guy making Avatar? I almost forgot about the devil guy at the end.

Uhm, no. This is so incredibly fuckin terrible. Awesome title. Horrible movie.

She never gets naked. What a cruel world.

This actually isn't that bad compared to...

... this.

And this. Coming next year! Return of the Blue Idiot!

But maybe there are a few positives.

Maybe.

You know.

A few.

And there's this stupid shit.

Lady Ninja Kasumi 4 (2005)

So yeah, I didn't see the first three, but something tells me I ain't missing much. These are basically porn. Literally, by the end of the first minute, you're rewarded with da boobs.

But you also get shitty production value... yeah, I'm complaining about production value for a ninja porn. We should be glad they don't have paper swords, right? The thing is you won't be able to watch this. Sure, you can buy it for the boobs, but you may as well stick to free porn (I mean, uh, read a book on, you know, women's values and rights and stuff... uh... yeah). The "fight" scenes are pathetic. The opening hand-to-hand combat looks like two mentally-handicapped sloths duking it out. It's bad. Brain-melting bad, and the sound FX are god awful.

Is it fair to critique shit like this? When they charge you $16 for it on Amazon, the answer is yes. The editing and continuity in this is laughably ridiculous. This scarred asshole chokes the lead girl from behind with his body up against hers, and then in the next shot, she's lying on the floor twenty feet away. Did she teleport after she passed out at his feet? They couldn't even film the most basic scene without fucking up. Look at the pink bed on the floor in the picture above. Now, look at that same bed in this screenshot:

That's the same scene. And you'll notice the ninja babe is standing in a different position too, but she didn't move at all in the shot of her between these wide shots. It's like they weren't even trying. This is pure amateur hour. Some of the worst shit I've seen. And when she kills the guy, the sword is just pressed against his side, and of course, they shoot it from the front to make this obvious. No blood. Only another shitty sound effect.

You can really tell a lot from a film's opening, and in this case, it's clear there's no reason to continue. The credits are quite funny though. They try to class it up a bit with some "pretty" shots of flowers.

Nice try. You ain't fooling nobody. And what the fuck kind of flowers are those anyway?

More boobs. Yes, I am classy.

Nice outfit.

I think she's drunk. Or she fell off the ugly tree.

Baths rule.

Got to pause it just right to see the uh... motion blur... yeah.

The best FX money can buy.

Did I say this sucks? Uhm, tits awesome. I mean it's awesome.

See the way it divides the frame up and draws
your attention to a certain spot? That's art, buddy. Pure art.

Beautiful Hunter (1994)

Sorry kids, this one sucks. "But the cover is awesome!" I know, I know, but the movie still sucks unless you're into weird pseudo-Christian cults and some fucking bizarre fisting torture.

Just look at this picture:

That's how Beautiful Hunter opens! With some creepy priest guy putting his hand up to a little girl nun! That is literally the first scene! It starts in a church. And then...

Every little girl nun needs a gun... making that rhyme
is about as bad as this film. Please, little girl, kill us both
and save us from this movie.

Yep, it's that bad. And dumb. Incredibly, incredibly dumb. But there's nudity right? About 5 min in, you do get treated to the boobies.

Mirrors rule.

Sadly, the boobies can't save this movie. You have to contend with a boring ludicrous plot of a news reporter finding out about the secret religious cult's assassin but then they turn on her since she won't kill him. And when a deadly assassin has a pistol pointed at you, that's a good time to magically rip off her shirt so you can go down on her... uh... yeah.

Don't worry, she still has the gun pointed at him.

The action is pretty weak too. She shoots people. They die. No awesome squibs. No exploding heads. Just some blood on the floor.

Offscreen deaths? Major fail.

But you do get the lead girl masturbating with her pistol... uhm, what!?! That's hot, right? Not really. Just weird, and weird is pretty much the running theme of this movie. Somebody has some strange fetishes. Oh, and the cult religious guys are watching her do it.

You actually can't see the gun here, but it's down there,

and as wrong as it is, she does look pretty hot here.

So she calls the main priest guy "father," and he's watching (well, he's blind) listening to her masturbate while his buddy next to him actually watches. Yeah... this movie has some "issues." As if that wasn't clear enough, they have her "father" grope her a couple scenes later. "Father" is mad since she's in love with another guy. Sorry, not what I want to see.

Oh nature, filled with such--look Earl, dem der people fuckin in dat der grass!

But you get quite a bit of nudity and sex as compensation. As I said, it's not enough to make the movie good, but you might keep watching. Then you get to the really weird part... yes, it gets weirder.

Never understood the appeal of fisting, and just the word itself is gross,

but if you're going to do it, might as well use a taser, right?

So yeah, I would avoid this one. A little too strange. The main actress is attractive, but the movie is so far out there that it just comes off as silly, and it's predictable too. Watch Beautiful Beast instead or Striptease Samurai Squad or a cow eating some grass. Anything but this.

Beautiful Beast (1995)

To answer your most important question first: yes, it has boobs, but shockingly, this one is actually a really good movie too. Sure, there's one scene where the lead girl is forced to pee on herself (WTF?), but just ignore that (you know they just had water run down the actress's legs... right? RIGHT? god I hope so), and you're fine. Hey, come on! Don't leave! I got boobie photos! But the storytelling is actually well done with some twists I didn't see coming, there's some nice bloody action, and the script is pretty smart too (particularly in the last assault, which I won't spoil).

Just a little bit higher... damn dress... I mean... uh... hi there.

You have your typical plot of a female assassin out to kill some assholes except she's actually a Chinese girl who's in Japan (yes, for the 0 anthropologists reading this, there's a nice multicultural element going on), and of course, she falls for some Japanese guy who might be connected to the bad guys yada yada throw in some twists and kills you're not expecting and boom. I know none of this sounds original or especially captivating, but you get a slow motion sex scene too! With some lovely dissolves for you artistic types. That actually might go on for a little too long (thou speaketh heresy I know), but hey, you want boobs, you got 'em!

Yep, I agree. Sorry, what were you saying?

This was just a blind buy for me so I really didn't expect anything aside from some glorious nudity and glorious it is, but Beautiful Beast had some talent behind the lens too with steady shots, clear action (of bloody violence! yes, I wish there was even more but still), nice angles, good cinematography (just look at the first screenshot above with her face partly in shadow), etc. The film itself actually looks like it's from the '80s, which I rather liked. You can tell it was shot on actual film, not some digital shit. I was surprised to find out it was made in 1995. Sadly, it seems like most people don't know about this gem. Yeah, I bet the director never expected anyone to call it that, but really most of these Beautiful [Whatever] movies tend to suck... they're just boring or too weird with crazy plots and no action, but this one is actually badass. Doesn't hurt that the main actress is quite hot, and the story manages to draw you in too.

Art is a beautiful thing.

The music is maybe a bit silly but kinda cool in a retro way, and I think it adds to the charm. Right at the beginning, you get slow motion shots of the lead chick running down the side streets of Tokyo with a gun in her hands in plain view without any pedestrians or cops doing shit about it (seriously, there are people in the background who don't even care or look surprised) so ok, it might not be that smart all the time (FYI, you might want to hide the gun before running around in public), but it's cool... she steals a purse to put the gun in (cops definitely won't chase you then). Honestly though, any intelligence in a film like this is shocking, and it does have some so ha! It doesn't waste time either getting to the good stuff, and the pacing is quite fast (except you know... in the sex scene, but you got to spend some time focusing on the boobs).

Uhm, kinky? No? Yeah, no. But hey, they got candles!

Mood lighting is vital for torture.

Someone on IMDb complained there isn't enough violence. She does kill quite a few people, and yes, more would've been appreciated, but I'm happy with what we get. This odd little sub-genre is rife with disappointments, and this isn't one of them (even the negative reviews on IMDb still give it a pretty high rating for a pinky violence movie). Definitely recommended if you're into these types of films.