Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Beautiful Hunter (1994)


Sorry kids, this one sucks. "But the cover is awesome!" I know, I know, but the movie still sucks unless you're into weird pseudo-Christian cults and some fucking bizarre fisting torture.

Just look at this picture:


That's how Beautiful Hunter opens! With some creepy priest guy putting his hand up to a little girl nun! That is literally the first scene! It starts in a church. And then...

Every little girl nun needs a gun... making that rhyme
is about as bad as this film. Please, little girl, kill us both
and save us from this movie.

Yep, it's that bad. And dumb. Incredibly, incredibly dumb. But there's nudity right? About 5 min in, you do get treated to the boobies.

Mirrors rule.

Sadly, the boobies can't save this movie. You have to contend with a boring ludicrous plot of a news reporter finding out about the secret religious cult's assassin but then they turn on her since she won't kill him. And when a deadly assassin has a pistol pointed at you, that's a good time to magically rip off her shirt so you can go down on her... uh... yeah.

Don't worry, she still has the gun pointed at him.

The action is pretty weak too. She shoots people. They die. No awesome squibs. No exploding heads. Just some blood on the floor.

Offscreen deaths? Major fail.

But you do get the lead girl masturbating with her pistol... uhm, what!?! That's hot, right? Not really. Just weird, and weird is pretty much the running theme of this movie. Somebody has some strange fetishes. Oh, and the cult religious guys are watching her do it.

You actually can't see the gun here, but it's down there,
and as wrong as it is, she does look pretty hot here.

So she calls the main priest guy "father," and he's watching (well, he's blind) listening to her masturbate while his buddy next to him actually watches. Yeah... this movie has some "issues." As if that wasn't clear enough, they have her "father" grope her a couple scenes later. "Father" is mad since she's in love with another guy. Sorry, not what I want to see.

Oh nature, filled with such--look Earl, dem der people fuckin in dat der grass!

But you get quite a bit of nudity and sex as compensation. As I said, it's not enough to make the movie good, but you might keep watching. Then you get to the really weird part... yes, it gets weirder.

Never understood the appeal of fisting, and just the word itself is gross,
but if you're going to do it, might as well use a taser, right?

So yeah, I would avoid this one. A little too strange. The main actress is attractive, but the movie is so far out there that it just comes off as silly, and it's predictable too. Watch Beautiful Beast instead or Striptease Samurai Squad or a cow eating some grass. Anything but this.