Big Tits Zombie 3D (2010) aka The Big Tits Dragon

With a title like that, this has to be good, right? It even starts with a Sergio Leone quote, and some sword + chainsaw = dead zombies action (with a blatant Versus homage/ripoff!). Sadly though, the zombie makeup looks like shit (just smear that gray crap on 'em! brilliant!), and you get a ton of awful CG blood aka fake as fuck computer generated crap.

Notice the zombie is holding the chainsaw against his neck... uhm... yeah.

The lead actress, Sola Aoi, is a Japanese porn star so that's the kind of acting you can expect.

But on the plus side...

I'm sorry, what? Were we talking about something? Oh yeah, big tits. Why the fuck do the zombies have swords? One second they don't. Then they do (conveniently right when we get the chick with the sword). They even block and swing like they're not zombies at all. WTF?

So that makes no sense. And the ridiculously cheap effects just keep getting worse.

But what about dem tits!!!! You have to sit through a ton of boring crap to get to the good stuff. The real stars don't make their first appearance until 23 minutes into the movie!

Some have complained they're not that big. Not that I (or anyone else) should defend this movie, but the title is Big Tits Zombie, not Big Boobs Zombie (of course, they fucked up the translation since the zombies don't actually have the big tits... way to go guys!).

And the other girl that gets naked in the cat fight is just ok looking.

So what's the plot? The bimbos stumble on a secret door in their strip club where they find a hidden room and the Necronomicon. Some sushi comes back to life, money appears, and suddenly, there are zombies all over.

Unfortunately, it's all unbelievably boring. Then you get punching sounds when the girls are not even anywhere near actually hitting a zombie, and of course, every punch sound is the same horrible one so they're all absolutely horrible.

See the zombie girl in blue on the far left? The hottie with the Necronomicon realizes she can control the undead so she has them strike a pose (yeah, I'm serious). They all move and stop, but that blue zombie girl moves, stops, then moves again after everyone else has stopped! An obvious fuck up, but they left it in! When there's shit like that, you know they don't care. Then there's this:

She has a vagina flamethrower, because she got bit by a zombie. Yeaahhhhh.... uhm, no thanks. They don't kill her either. One second she shoots fire. Then she's ok, just still turning into a zombie. Later on, some random zombie girl turns into a tentacle monster with the worst FX you've ever seen.

They even left in the strings! Look at this shit:

You couldn't make them more obvious! That is unless you did a close-up with the strings right in front of the camera, and guess what they did?

Genius. So yeah, this movie sucks. There is a completely gratuitous part where the two girls get their boobs covered in blood from killing one zombie.

Then magically in the next scene, they only have a tiny bit of blood on them.

I guess they took a shower? They definitely should've shown that... strictly for, you know, continuity purposes. What the fuck is up with the blue lighting? Is this guy making Avatar? I almost forgot about the devil guy at the end.

Uhm, no. This is so incredibly fuckin terrible. Awesome title. Horrible movie.

She never gets naked. What a cruel world.

This actually isn't that bad compared to...

... this.

And this. Coming next year! Return of the Blue Idiot!

But maybe there are a few positives.

Maybe.

You know.

A few.

And there's this stupid shit.

Lady Ninja Kasumi 4 (2005)

So yeah, I didn't see the first three, but something tells me I ain't missing much. These are basically porn. Literally, by the end of the first minute, you're rewarded with da boobs.

But you also get shitty production value... yeah, I'm complaining about production value for a ninja porn. We should be glad they don't have paper swords, right? The thing is you won't be able to watch this. Sure, you can buy it for the boobs, but you may as well stick to free porn (I mean, uh, read a book on, you know, women's values and rights and stuff... uh... yeah). The "fight" scenes are pathetic. The opening hand-to-hand combat looks like two mentally-handicapped sloths duking it out. It's bad. Brain-melting bad, and the sound FX are god awful.

Is it fair to critique shit like this? When they charge you $16 for it on Amazon, the answer is yes. The editing and continuity in this is laughably ridiculous. This scarred asshole chokes the lead girl from behind with his body up against hers, and then in the next shot, she's lying on the floor twenty feet away. Did she teleport after she passed out at his feet? They couldn't even film the most basic scene without fucking up. Look at the pink bed on the floor in the picture above. Now, look at that same bed in this screenshot:

That's the same scene. And you'll notice the ninja babe is standing in a different position too, but she didn't move at all in the shot of her between these wide shots. It's like they weren't even trying. This is pure amateur hour. Some of the worst shit I've seen. And when she kills the guy, the sword is just pressed against his side, and of course, they shoot it from the front to make this obvious. No blood. Only another shitty sound effect.

You can really tell a lot from a film's opening, and in this case, it's clear there's no reason to continue. The credits are quite funny though. They try to class it up a bit with some "pretty" shots of flowers.

Nice try. You ain't fooling nobody. And what the fuck kind of flowers are those anyway?

More boobs. Yes, I am classy.

Nice outfit.

I think she's drunk. Or she fell off the ugly tree.

Baths rule.

Got to pause it just right to see the uh... motion blur... yeah.

The best FX money can buy.

Did I say this sucks? Uhm, tits awesome. I mean it's awesome.

See the way it divides the frame up and draws
your attention to a certain spot? That's art, buddy. Pure art.