New Love in Tokyo (1994)

This is a weird movie. Plenty of nudity and sex since it's about two prostitutes (ok, ok, one is a dominatrix) who become friends. You see them going about their daily lives, dating men who don't know about their profession and the dominatrix wants to be an actress. Uh, yeah, I've never seen a film quite like this, and I'm not really sure what to make of it.

It's not really pinky violence since there isn't any killing or bloodshed or anything. There is a little subplot about a psycho who is hurting prostitutes, but that's just a tiny part. I guess this is a realistic portrayal of a prostitute's life? It shows how dangerous their profession can be, and the dominatrix gets an STD at one point, which is bad news for her theater buddies since she regularly fucks all of them so they all have to get tested (and treated).

But yeah, I'm really not sure what the point is. I don't think there is really much of a narrative aside from just showing their lives and the random things that happen. For example, you see them trick two guys into driving them to the beach and then they bury those guys in the sand while they go run around nude in the ocean. Every so often, you get treated to some black and white still shots of the dominatrix, which were taken by some famous Japanese photographer. Some look good... some are just ok. I guess each one shows a different side of her. Some are definitely not flattering, which is probably also the point.

The film isn't poorly made or anything. Looks a little dated probably because it needs a better DVD transfer, but it's fairly well shot, the lighting is fine, no obvious glaring continuity mistakes, etc. And it's entertaining. I wasn't bored. There's another subplot about a Yakuza guy who is under tons of pressure from his job so he always goes to see the dominatrix. It's definitely different, and all the nudity and sex will keep your attention. I guess it's good the movie doesn't give you some clear moral message since it lets you form your own conclusions, but I wasn't emotionally moved by the story or truly invested in the characters, which you wouldn't expect from something like this anyway. I suppose the filmmaker just wanted to show the lifestyles of these people, and it is interesting, but it seems a little hollow (maybe that is the point?). Oh well, what the fuck do I know? I'm writing a blog about the boobies so yeah, I'll shut up now.

Boobs, boobs, boobs, I like boobs. I should write songs.

Look at the guy's face... awesome.

Fucking different guys montage. Best...

... montage...

... ever.

I like water.

Beautiful Hunter (1994)

Sorry kids, this one sucks. "But the cover is awesome!" I know, I know, but the movie still sucks unless you're into weird pseudo-Christian cults and some fucking bizarre fisting torture.

Just look at this picture:

That's how Beautiful Hunter opens! With some creepy priest guy putting his hand up to a little girl nun! That is literally the first scene! It starts in a church. And then...

Every little girl nun needs a gun... making that rhyme
is about as bad as this film. Please, little girl, kill us both
and save us from this movie.

Yep, it's that bad. And dumb. Incredibly, incredibly dumb. But there's nudity right? About 5 min in, you do get treated to the boobies.

Mirrors rule.

Sadly, the boobies can't save this movie. You have to contend with a boring ludicrous plot of a news reporter finding out about the secret religious cult's assassin but then they turn on her since she won't kill him. And when a deadly assassin has a pistol pointed at you, that's a good time to magically rip off her shirt so you can go down on her... uh... yeah.

Don't worry, she still has the gun pointed at him.

The action is pretty weak too. She shoots people. They die. No awesome squibs. No exploding heads. Just some blood on the floor.

Offscreen deaths? Major fail.

But you do get the lead girl masturbating with her pistol... uhm, what!?! That's hot, right? Not really. Just weird, and weird is pretty much the running theme of this movie. Somebody has some strange fetishes. Oh, and the cult religious guys are watching her do it.

You actually can't see the gun here, but it's down there,

and as wrong as it is, she does look pretty hot here.

So she calls the main priest guy "father," and he's watching (well, he's blind) listening to her masturbate while his buddy next to him actually watches. Yeah... this movie has some "issues." As if that wasn't clear enough, they have her "father" grope her a couple scenes later. "Father" is mad since she's in love with another guy. Sorry, not what I want to see.

Oh nature, filled with such--look Earl, dem der people fuckin in dat der grass!

But you get quite a bit of nudity and sex as compensation. As I said, it's not enough to make the movie good, but you might keep watching. Then you get to the really weird part... yes, it gets weirder.

Never understood the appeal of fisting, and just the word itself is gross,

but if you're going to do it, might as well use a taser, right?

So yeah, I would avoid this one. A little too strange. The main actress is attractive, but the movie is so far out there that it just comes off as silly, and it's predictable too. Watch Beautiful Beast instead or Striptease Samurai Squad or a cow eating some grass. Anything but this.

Beautiful Beast (1995)

To answer your most important question first: yes, it has boobs, but shockingly, this one is actually a really good movie too. Sure, there's one scene where the lead girl is forced to pee on herself (WTF?), but just ignore that (you know they just had water run down the actress's legs... right? RIGHT? god I hope so), and you're fine. Hey, come on! Don't leave! I got boobie photos! But the storytelling is actually well done with some twists I didn't see coming, there's some nice bloody action, and the script is pretty smart too (particularly in the last assault, which I won't spoil).

Just a little bit higher... damn dress... I mean... uh... hi there.

You have your typical plot of a female assassin out to kill some assholes except she's actually a Chinese girl who's in Japan (yes, for the 0 anthropologists reading this, there's a nice multicultural element going on), and of course, she falls for some Japanese guy who might be connected to the bad guys yada yada throw in some twists and kills you're not expecting and boom. I know none of this sounds original or especially captivating, but you get a slow motion sex scene too! With some lovely dissolves for you artistic types. That actually might go on for a little too long (thou speaketh heresy I know), but hey, you want boobs, you got 'em!

Yep, I agree. Sorry, what were you saying?

This was just a blind buy for me so I really didn't expect anything aside from some glorious nudity and glorious it is, but Beautiful Beast had some talent behind the lens too with steady shots, clear action (of bloody violence! yes, I wish there was even more but still), nice angles, good cinematography (just look at the first screenshot above with her face partly in shadow), etc. The film itself actually looks like it's from the '80s, which I rather liked. You can tell it was shot on actual film, not some digital shit. I was surprised to find out it was made in 1995. Sadly, it seems like most people don't know about this gem. Yeah, I bet the director never expected anyone to call it that, but really most of these Beautiful [Whatever] movies tend to suck... they're just boring or too weird with crazy plots and no action, but this one is actually badass. Doesn't hurt that the main actress is quite hot, and the story manages to draw you in too.

Art is a beautiful thing.

The music is maybe a bit silly but kinda cool in a retro way, and I think it adds to the charm. Right at the beginning, you get slow motion shots of the lead chick running down the side streets of Tokyo with a gun in her hands in plain view without any pedestrians or cops doing shit about it (seriously, there are people in the background who don't even care or look surprised) so ok, it might not be that smart all the time (FYI, you might want to hide the gun before running around in public), but it's cool... she steals a purse to put the gun in (cops definitely won't chase you then). Honestly though, any intelligence in a film like this is shocking, and it does have some so ha! It doesn't waste time either getting to the good stuff, and the pacing is quite fast (except you know... in the sex scene, but you got to spend some time focusing on the boobs).

Uhm, kinky? No? Yeah, no. But hey, they got candles!

Mood lighting is vital for torture.

Someone on IMDb complained there isn't enough violence. She does kill quite a few people, and yes, more would've been appreciated, but I'm happy with what we get. This odd little sub-genre is rife with disappointments, and this isn't one of them (even the negative reviews on IMDb still give it a pretty high rating for a pinky violence movie). Definitely recommended if you're into these types of films.

Oppai Chanbara: Striptease Samurai Squad (2008)

 

Like boobs? Good. Then you'll like this movie, because it has a ton of them. Sure, just two women get naked, but they get naked a lot. "But wait, is there a story?" you ask. Get the fuck out of here. Seriously? You actually care what it's about? Did you read the title? That's all you need to know, and it has boobs. Lest I remind you, a lot of boobs.

 Are they naked yet? Not the old one though, god please not the old one.

Alright, alright, there's some crap about this girl named Lili inheriting a special sword style from her grandma and dead mother so when she drinks some mystical green Kool-Aid, she travels back in time where she has to help defend a rural village from some bad lady who kills people with her breasts while employing a weird henchman with some crap makeup on his face as well as some cheapo claws on his hand but our heroine is worried about disappearing if she kills said boob lady since it turns out that evil boob lady kinda invented the whole "show your boobs" sword fighting style so then Lili fucks this loser virgin guy before finally battling the evil boob lady... I could make that run-on sentence longer, but I think you get the idea. The story is stupid, but it's kinda dumb fun. I was never bored. Sure, I had low expectations, but boobs are pretty much always on display. Yes, the lead girl could be hotter, but she's not bad, and sometimes, she looks pretty dang good. Her boobs definitely look nice, and that's mainly what I'm looking at anyway (sorry gals... yeah, like they're going to read this). The other girl who gets naked, the evil one, has bigger, better breasts so you're in good company, and she has some young boy fuck slave too so you get another sex scene.

See the overexposure there. The loss of detail. Yeah... I bet that's what you're looking at.

How's the cinematography? Who the fuck are you? A wannabe filmmaker? Ok, ok, let's pretend like we actually give a shit about the mise en scene for a second. That way you don't feel so guilty reading this, and I can pretend like I'm smart when I just wrote the word "boobs" 9 times. Just 9? Yeah, I know... I'm slacking. Hey, I had to use breasts for variety. No "boobies" yet though... that's too sophisticated. Anyway, what were we talking about? Damn, is someone actually reading this? Oh yeah, ok, the cinematography. It's pretty shitty for the most part. Obviously, it's a cheap shot-on-digital film with some ugly overexposure, but it starts with some pretty images of the forest... you know to make you feel a little better that you're watching this shit and so the filmmaker can say it's "artistic." They also add some diffusion filters every once and a while to give it that soft glow effect, which looks nice except this was still obviously shot for nothing so they're not fooling anybody. The focus is also off sometimes. The background will be more sharp than the actor. If you're really paying attention and watching a Blu-ray or a film in the theater, you can occasionally spot this in big Hollywood flicks like Mission Impossible III, but what's funny about that mistake here is it happens in wide shots where it's a lot easier to keep your actor in focus because you have a deep depth of field. I guess as long as the boobs are in focus, we're good.

 That's what I call, "action choreography."

What about the fight scenes? You get boobs. Don't press your luck. This was made for like $10, ok? Yes, they have some "sword fights." Are they good? No. They're ok, but of course, this is not Yojimbo. It's not a pinky violence film either. The good part is Lili always has to show her boobs when she fights so you get the stunningly stupid moment where she pulls them out (often dramatically in slow motion from multiple angles... damn, I love these films). But there's no good gore... some guy coughs up blood (a staple in Japanese cinema)... both the lead girl and the evil one get a little cut on their legs, but there's nothing really. A bloodless impalement with a sword. The heroine kills a lot of ninjas, but it's not very impressive. You can tell what's going on, but the girl's sword skills are a little lacking. There's a lot of half-assed swinging-to-miss shit that isn't very convincing, and they try to speed up some of the action in post, which fails miserably. Plus, it seems like all the sword clashing sound effects are the exact same, and they sound extremely fake. What?!?! They didn't record all their own original sound FX for this? Pieces of shit! Where are their standards? Wait... wait... boobs. Speaking of which, you do get the girls actually putting the sword between their boobs and using their breasts to swing it. Yes, you read that. So I guess the fight scenes are pretty fuckin awesome. But that only happens in the climatic final battle. Hey, they had to up the ante somehow.

Uhm... yeah... what's going on again? Focus. Focus... on the most important part.

Is there CGI? Oh, yes. There is a couple shots of a CG sword, which you probably won't notice since you're staring at the boobs, and then there's the whole "glowing boobies" effect. Because you know, that's how girls get their power... wait, are we still talking about the movie? Yes, yes, we are. Of course, that CGI pretty much has to make you laugh, because it's so ridiculous. Did they actually do that? You bet they did, and in fact, they seem quite proud of it, because it happens pretty often.

The best CGI money can buy.

And the acting? Ryo Akanishi who plays the lead girl Lili has done quite a bit of adult material. So I think you know the answer to your question. She's ok. Obviously, I don't think she's going to win any awards (this movie is called Striptease Samurai Squad), but in the tender scene where she's with Hikoichi by the fire, you know before they have sex, she's fine. Is she convincing with a sword? Who cares? No, she's not really very good. One easy way you can tell if someone has experience is by the way they bring the sword to a stop at the end of a swing. It should be a smooth quick halt where the katana is not dangling. It shouldn't move an inch once they finish the move. But that's pretty difficult to do. You have to use a lot of muscles in your arms that you normally don't. She can't pull it off. The sword often moves a little after she stops it. Of course, she probably had a day to train, if that, so we can give her a break. If you're going to judge this like a real movie, like some Tom Cruise Oscar-winning vehicle, you must have no clue the two things you're supposed to be watching.

The film does try to give Lili a moral dilemma. This sword style kills people, and killing is wrong. That's about as deep as it gets. Lili is shocked to find blood on her face after she cuts down a female ninja. You'd think she'd expect that when you swing a sword at someone and slice through them. We get a scene late at night when the guy is too horny to sleep because he's thinking of Lili's boobs (he actually tells his little guy to calm down), and at the same time, Lili is contemplating how she took a life. Of course, eventually, Lili just kinda accepts it and *spoiler alert* kills the rest of the bad guys. Who needs morals? I guess you could say she realizes killing is for the greater good. If she doesn't get rid of these scum, these poor farmers (including a pregnant woman we meet at the beginning) will be butchered one by one. That's probably giving it too much credit though, because it seems like the main question they were dealing with was how they could show her boobs as much as possible, but hey, I'm not complaining about that.

Remember: framing matters.

From a filmmaking standpoint, the transition from the present to the past is actually very well done. No, I don't mean putting on a blindfold and drinking some green liquid makes any sense as a teleportation device, but the fact they chose to use a close-up as she slowly removes her blindfold so you can't really notice her surroundings have changed is clever. It's much better than another shitty CG effect. It works, and it's deceptively simple.

The other quandary (big word for "problem"... and no, I didn't use a thesaurus to look it up, but I am spending hours on an in-depth review of a shit movie so I'm still a loser) Lili must contend with is about time travel. Like I mentioned before, she'll disappear if she kills the evil boob lady. Yes, Mrs. McFly is worried she won't exist. Why the hell would she want to be stuck in the past? She found true love of course. She is also concerned about killing the apparent founder of her boobarama sword style. Do they really do anything with this? No, the story goes where you expect it to, and she *spoiler alert* eventually returns to the present. I can't believe I actually put spoiler alerts.

Did I mention the beautiful sets?

My favorite part: Lady Kinu (the evil boob lady) is fucking some sex slave. A henchman shows up to tell her that the heroine has arrived. She stops momentarily at this news, looking very innocent. Says nothing. The slightest hint of a grin on her face. Then she turns back to her slave and just continues having sex. Now, that's classy. Some other dame might want to prepare for battle. You know organize, get dressed, grab a sword, set a trap, but not this woman. She's having sex, and she's going to finish. I like that.

In conclusion, should you buy it? I would if you like these kind of movies, and I'd hope so because you just read a really long review, but I'd try to get it as cheap as possible. I think it does have some replay value... mainly for the boobs and the silliness of it all, but that's me. Honestly though, I was surprised just often you get to see the boobs. Very, very nice.

Show me some more boobs! Is that why you're reading this? Are you even reading it?!?! You're just looking at the pictures! Son of a bitch! Fine, here are some more boobs. You can thank me later.

Look at the amazing shadows on the wall. That lovely tint of blue lighting on the side of her... oh god.

Does she get naked? She's pregnant you sicko!

Look at those trees. No leaves. Branches sticking out. Must have been cold.

Pay attention to the mise en scene here. This is no accident. It's a very deliberate creative choice, and damn, is it a fine one.

The award for most innovative use of CGI goes to...

I bet the other trees feel left out.

Come on, move the hand.

That's better.

Notice the placement of the sword.

---

That's probably enough for most of you, but for the real masochists out there, let's examine the first fight scene, because it's incredible how undeniably wretched it is. Take a look at the pictures below. Tell me if you notice anything. They're in the same sequence as they appear in the film.

See the close-up of Lili's sword (third photo) and how it's pointing out to her left. Then in the next shot, she's clearly cutting a ninja on her right, but she never switched to that side. And in the shot directly after, you can briefly see the sword is swinging to her right, but in that same shot, the blood is on the left side of her face. If you cut someone by swinging a sword on your right side, the blood will not magically hit the left side of your face. Also, despite how the ninja behind her is on the left side of the frame in that last shot, it's clear when the shot is in motion (the camera is at an angle), that ninja is on her left side. No matter what though, it doesn't any make sense. I think they probably could've mirrored the close-up of the sword and gotten away with the goof more, but that would mean they'd have to be paying attention in editing.

Another funny thing I noticed about that fight. There's only three ninjas: two guys, one of whom has the awful fuckin makeup, and a girl. Yes, there's a girl ninja. Just look below.

Fact: female ninjas are hot, and that guy in the middle is fuckin nuts.

The ninja on the right has boobs. Her outfit even shows some skin on her chest, and she has eyeliner. Ok, now, I want you to look at the images below. Again, these are in order. The shot of Lili aiming her sword is what separates, and tries to hide, two major fuckups.

In the first still above, the girl ninja on the right changes to a guy in the third picture (no skin showing on her chest, no breasts), and the background is completely fucking different. What's even better is the guy on the right then changes back to a girl after that ninja comes back onscreen, and despite obviously having eyeliner (see below), a man is doing her voice!

What pretty eyes you have...

But wait, there's more! The girl ninja gets killed twice. "You said there are only three ninjas!" That's right, but four get killed. Allow me to demonstrate. The girl ninja above grabs Lili from behind and exposes her boobs (yeah... don't ask). Then that female ninja gets hit on the head in what is obviously a death blow because they do a terrible hot wax Photoshop effect.

The girl ninja falls to the ground dead. The guy ninja (the one that never changes genders) attacks next and also gets hit in the head so he goes down too. Crazy makeup face fights and get hit in the back with the sword (why she would not slice him to pieces I don't know). Then the girl ninja is back! You know the one who got beat to death with a final strike to the head in wax-o-vision. She isn't rising up off the ground either. She's just there again all of a sudden with a throwing star. See below.

And that's just the first fight scene. Probably better to watch the other ones with your eyes closed, but then you'd miss the boobs. Do I still recommend the movie? Yes, I blame the boobs, and the above mistakes are actually quite hilarious. You really have to see them to believe it.