Beautiful Hunter (1994)

Sorry kids, this one sucks. "But the cover is awesome!" I know, I know, but the movie still sucks unless you're into weird pseudo-Christian cults and some fucking bizarre fisting torture.

Just look at this picture:

That's how Beautiful Hunter opens! With some creepy priest guy putting his hand up to a little girl nun! That is literally the first scene! It starts in a church. And then...

Every little girl nun needs a gun... making that rhyme
is about as bad as this film. Please, little girl, kill us both
and save us from this movie.

Yep, it's that bad. And dumb. Incredibly, incredibly dumb. But there's nudity right? About 5 min in, you do get treated to the boobies.

Mirrors rule.

Sadly, the boobies can't save this movie. You have to contend with a boring ludicrous plot of a news reporter finding out about the secret religious cult's assassin but then they turn on her since she won't kill him. And when a deadly assassin has a pistol pointed at you, that's a good time to magically rip off her shirt so you can go down on her... uh... yeah.

Don't worry, she still has the gun pointed at him.

The action is pretty weak too. She shoots people. They die. No awesome squibs. No exploding heads. Just some blood on the floor.

Offscreen deaths? Major fail.

But you do get the lead girl masturbating with her pistol... uhm, what!?! That's hot, right? Not really. Just weird, and weird is pretty much the running theme of this movie. Somebody has some strange fetishes. Oh, and the cult religious guys are watching her do it.

You actually can't see the gun here, but it's down there,

and as wrong as it is, she does look pretty hot here.

So she calls the main priest guy "father," and he's watching (well, he's blind) listening to her masturbate while his buddy next to him actually watches. Yeah... this movie has some "issues." As if that wasn't clear enough, they have her "father" grope her a couple scenes later. "Father" is mad since she's in love with another guy. Sorry, not what I want to see.

Oh nature, filled with such--look Earl, dem der people fuckin in dat der grass!

But you get quite a bit of nudity and sex as compensation. As I said, it's not enough to make the movie good, but you might keep watching. Then you get to the really weird part... yes, it gets weirder.

Never understood the appeal of fisting, and just the word itself is gross,

but if you're going to do it, might as well use a taser, right?

So yeah, I would avoid this one. A little too strange. The main actress is attractive, but the movie is so far out there that it just comes off as silly, and it's predictable too. Watch Beautiful Beast instead or Striptease Samurai Squad or a cow eating some grass. Anything but this.

Beautiful Beast (1995)

To answer your most important question first: yes, it has boobs, but shockingly, this one is actually a really good movie too. Sure, there's one scene where the lead girl is forced to pee on herself (WTF?), but just ignore that (you know they just had water run down the actress's legs... right? RIGHT? god I hope so), and you're fine. Hey, come on! Don't leave! I got boobie photos! But the storytelling is actually well done with some twists I didn't see coming, there's some nice bloody action, and the script is pretty smart too (particularly in the last assault, which I won't spoil).

Just a little bit higher... damn dress... I mean... uh... hi there.

You have your typical plot of a female assassin out to kill some assholes except she's actually a Chinese girl who's in Japan (yes, for the 0 anthropologists reading this, there's a nice multicultural element going on), and of course, she falls for some Japanese guy who might be connected to the bad guys yada yada throw in some twists and kills you're not expecting and boom. I know none of this sounds original or especially captivating, but you get a slow motion sex scene too! With some lovely dissolves for you artistic types. That actually might go on for a little too long (thou speaketh heresy I know), but hey, you want boobs, you got 'em!

Yep, I agree. Sorry, what were you saying?

This was just a blind buy for me so I really didn't expect anything aside from some glorious nudity and glorious it is, but Beautiful Beast had some talent behind the lens too with steady shots, clear action (of bloody violence! yes, I wish there was even more but still), nice angles, good cinematography (just look at the first screenshot above with her face partly in shadow), etc. The film itself actually looks like it's from the '80s, which I rather liked. You can tell it was shot on actual film, not some digital shit. I was surprised to find out it was made in 1995. Sadly, it seems like most people don't know about this gem. Yeah, I bet the director never expected anyone to call it that, but really most of these Beautiful [Whatever] movies tend to suck... they're just boring or too weird with crazy plots and no action, but this one is actually badass. Doesn't hurt that the main actress is quite hot, and the story manages to draw you in too.

Art is a beautiful thing.

The music is maybe a bit silly but kinda cool in a retro way, and I think it adds to the charm. Right at the beginning, you get slow motion shots of the lead chick running down the side streets of Tokyo with a gun in her hands in plain view without any pedestrians or cops doing shit about it (seriously, there are people in the background who don't even care or look surprised) so ok, it might not be that smart all the time (FYI, you might want to hide the gun before running around in public), but it's cool... she steals a purse to put the gun in (cops definitely won't chase you then). Honestly though, any intelligence in a film like this is shocking, and it does have some so ha! It doesn't waste time either getting to the good stuff, and the pacing is quite fast (except you know... in the sex scene, but you got to spend some time focusing on the boobs).

Uhm, kinky? No? Yeah, no. But hey, they got candles!

Mood lighting is vital for torture.

Someone on IMDb complained there isn't enough violence. She does kill quite a few people, and yes, more would've been appreciated, but I'm happy with what we get. This odd little sub-genre is rife with disappointments, and this isn't one of them (even the negative reviews on IMDb still give it a pretty high rating for a pinky violence movie). Definitely recommended if you're into these types of films.